Forgiveness (revised)

Note: I originally posted a version of this late last Sunday (a few minutes before my previous post). But I awoke with blogger's remorse and pulled it down because I felt it was too personal.  I think it is important I repost the ideas contained in it, though, because they are something that has been pressing on me again.  I've edited this somewhat to move it from "It's a couple hours past my bedtime, I've had a rough several days, I haven't slept well in days, and now I am inventing my own phrases," to more of a composed, thoughtful piece that I actually want people to read.  The same thoughts, Bible verses, and feelings are there.  They are just hopefully more readable.  Also, these feelings also aren't as raw at the moment, so I'm a bit more comfortable sharing them.

I've been having a rough time with oppression and loneliness lately.  I've also had trouble sleeping.  During my prayers [specifically last Sunday night], I began to think about a negative thought cycle in which I’ve engaged.  It was intensified after a dream I had a little over a week ago in which all of the people I have ever been close to appeared and (re)did something hurtful.  The emotional pain was quite intense.

I woke up in tears with this rolling through my head:

"How did these people hurt me so much?  Why did it hurt so badly?"

"Because you got close to them and let them get close to you."

"So every person I get close to will hurt me?"

"Yes.  So why bother with people? They will only hurt you.”

And it continued, but the path is relatively obvious.  I've had problems with this before, people do something hurtful, and immediately I think it is either an intentionally hurtful act or their plan all along was to hurt me (don’t you dare call me irrational! Just because I think people have nothing better to do than plot elaborate plans for hurting my feelings doesn't make me irrational!).  This works in almost a "he said, she heard" sort of way.  Bottom line: People will hurt me (I better not get to know them).  Friends move away (well, actually, they leave me.).  They have some inconsistency in their character (they were intentionally lying so when I got close, they could betray me.).  They say something hurtful (after all, I don't know why I convinced myself they actually cared).  They do something shouldn’t.  They don't do something they should (I obviously am not worth the effort to them).   If I hadn't gotten to know them, this wouldn't hurt.  I better not invest myself again.

Everyone has flaws.  Everyone is sinful.  People hurt each other because of this.  The Enemy wants to take advantage of this and leave people in despair.  However, we cannot simply give up on ever having a meaningful relationship with another person.  If we did that, we wouldn't have joy, either.  Our mantra would turn from “they mustn’t like me” to “why am I all alone?” We wouldn't have anyone to talk to when we are down and in need of encouragement.  We wouldn't have anyone to support and help.  God made us for companionship--we need a relationship with Him and with our fellow humans.  Relationships require forgiveness.

Letting go of the pain.  Stopping the constant replay of the painful event or action.  Forgiveness.  Yes, these are important things.  So many times have I resignedly said, "I'm done," in regards to friendships with people after a series of small offenses.  Thankfully, God is there to help me work through the pain and move from a begrudging "I forgave them because I have to, and that doesn't mean I have to have anything to do with them or work to restore our relationship to what it was before the offence occurred," to a healing "I forgive them because I want to, and now all is forgotten."  (That first stage of “forgiveness” sounds like a paraphrased Mrs. Bennet, “I’ll be civil to him/her on account of him/her being loved by God.  But no more than civil!”)

Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." (Matthew 18:22)

I actually do not find that verse convicting, but actually helpful especially in light of Matthew 6:14-15.  Christ doesn't ask us to do something if He is not going to be there with us every step of the way.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:8)